#4 Possession

Finding ‘Love’ in Hamster is more difficult than trying to teach Nook about ‘Human Rights’ without him laughing.  There’s a pool of approximately 20 individuals to choose from, all of which play a starring role in the 6 or 7 ‘murder-dreams’ I have every night.

Oh! how I long to be married, to find that special person that you can manipulate and torture for the rest of your life and still call it love.

…and I think i’ve found that someone.

Hunky Del and I used to be real close, we were inseparable.  I used to dream one day that we’d have a big church wedding and i’d make a tiny toy car out of his head and put marshmallow stick figures in it.

It was going to be paradise, the house in the country with the sea nearby, the endless couples dinner parties where you politely ask if there’s enough poison in their wine because you can’t wait for them to leave.  Then the crushing blow of marriage followed by the little patter of freakish Human-Crocodile feet.   But as it was, Del made a fatal mistake….he kept TALKING to other people and then he made a FRIEND!!…big no no!

…and that friend was ‘WEED!!

The most dangerous thing known to a politician’s career!!  Unless your Tom Nook.  He says ‘Weed’ is a great way to keep a population passive whilst you fit them with bomb-collars, then he quickly hid the documents behind the counter and asked me to look at the wares in his shop.

Watched a serious 1930’s film about the joys of ‘weed’ last night…apparently it can make you plough into pedestrians, commit suicide, manslaughter, attempt rape and point at the people who live outside of the screen and presume they have children.

You should always get your news from more than one source so when ‘Reefer Madness’ had finished, I switched over to Fox News.  A balding walrus claimed that ‘weed’ was a gateway drug that can lead to stronger substances like Prosium, CAKE, Joker-Venom, Energon Cubes and Soylent Green.   I’m inclined to believe him, they are ‘fair & balanced’ after all

To stop Del from ultimately hitting a school bus full of children off a mountain highway, I had to take drastic action.  Luring him back to my lab, I conducted a random experiment on him, consequently turning his brain into Weetabix substitute.

After nursing him back to health on a diet of ‘Maximuscle Promax Strawberry’ and ‘Reefer Madness’ reruns, Del finally kicked the habit and we became as close as father and son, so romantics!

Del has asked me to ditch my name and marry him “No, I mean a new nickname” he said but I pretended not to notice..“YES, YES, A THOUSAND TIMES YES I SAID“, then it got late and my throat hurt so I stopped saying ‘Yes’.

I moved house that very night and after 2 months Del can’t quite believe I’m still serious about our commitment. “A wedding dress and a green balloon is not a legally binding document of marriage” he shouted

…Bwaha…oh men! What do they know about marriage right girls?

……BRUM!!!!!

Here’s a picture of me and my new red-jawed hubby loving it up in the sunshine. Married-Men sure act weird, they change the locks when you’re ill, complain when you put metal bars on the windows, sneakily write S.O.S on the front lawn using twigs….

“no more going to the pub, no more football for you” I said, you’re a married man now.

Dell looks adorable with his new leash on, “going somewhere?” I say to him, then we both roll on the floor laughing, well I laugh, he just sort of falls over clutching his throat…MEN ARE FAIL!, they can’t even laugh properly, that’s why they need us women right girls!!!

Several weeks later, I awoke to find Del’s leash in pieces on the floor and my wedding balloon gutted in the bathtub. A ‘De Beers’ advert played out on the TV as I carved ‘WHY!’ into my arm and read Del’s letter and penned my own using a red-tipped thumbtack.

Firstly Del,

I put my hand over your Mom’s mouth to check her breathing, but some medical drama was on and I got distracted, then she went limp, I HAD to call an ambulance. Secondly, the family didn’t specify how long I had to babysit and ‘WhiteBread’ is a bloody good name; it was f*cking Caucasian wasn’t it!!

Yours Still,

Widders

Last night Jack Bauer came to me in a dream and said ‘torture is the great communicator’ and from then on I knew what I had to do. It’s nearly 2 weeks since I had my little epiphany and Del still won’t let me in for a cup of sugar =(. It was 3:30am when I knocked on Del’s door, perhaps this time he will let me have that cup of sugar I thought….

Del – “my wife needs to sleep.  Why can’t you come over for sugar at a sensible time, I wouldn’t give you any, so don’t bother.

Me – “I love your cute little note Del, you’re not in, yet you answered the door, so funny!…..can I borrow some sugar?”

I figured that Del was angry because he hadn’t had enough sleep so I was very nice and let him have 2 hours before I returned with an axe. I swung it repeatedly at the door frame until great big chunks started flying off, I laughed a little bit because I felt I was really close to finally getting that cup of sugar.

Unfortunately, Del has re-enforced his door with steel so I was unable to gain entry into the house. I hate mess so I shoveled the remains of Del’s door through his letterbox along with a small cup so he could put some sugar in it for me. I thought I heard the cup smash so I ran back, got some sellotape and posted that as well, narrowly avoiding Del’s boot as he tried to kick my hands away.

A week later whilst rifling through Del’s dustbins (I know where his wife works now..yay!) I came across the remnants of the cup I’d given him.  I licked all the pieces to see if I could taste any sugar and I couldn’t, plus I cutted my mouth…owie!

To be fair, I only asked Del if I could sleep between his wife and him because:

a) My heater was broken
b) Insane feelings of jealousy
c) If I wet the bed, I won’t be the only one ashamed in the morning

Del says I don’t own a heater, “what about my stove!” I barked.  The truth was, I couldn’t afford a heater, having spent my life savings buying the wedding dress Judy Garland was buried in and all.  “so how are you going to make money now then”…”Guilt Cheques from you” I blubbered. I check my mailbox every day, but no cheques ever come =(.

Counsellors are arseholes:

“That sounds like your fault Mrs Widders”
“What about his freedom Mrs Widders”
“That was a heinous and criminal act Mrs Widders”

I thought they were supposed to help you? My lawyer says that if we are going to build a case we have to do better than “a continued refusal to lend a cup of sugar”

I hired ‘Rowan’ to install a radio transmitter on Del’s roof so he could get his pirate radio station up and running. “Why does the microphone have to be hidden in the bedroom wall?” he asked.  I laughed. “He’s a disc jockey silly” and then it was off back home to listen to Del’s first broadcast which was mostly about why there was a giant dish on his roof….boring!

I set the tape to record and went off to borrow some sugar.  Later I played back the tape to my lawyer who was now very confident that we could build a case. “You’re sure the woman sobbing on the tape is you?” Yes I shrieked, leaping around her office, grinning with joy.

Grizzly said something about ‘real world consequences’ and that I should think about my actions. So I returned home, thought about the whole situation with ‘Del’ and laughed myself sick with a bag of Doritos until my belly hurted.

Boo!….it turns out you need money to take someone to court. I’ve switched to Plan B… cutting off his Oxygen!

Wikipedia says that Trees absorb carbon dioxide and release oxygen, if that’s true then why does Nook sell ‘Oxygen Jars’ at his shop?

I chopped down every tree within 200 yards of his house and spent my nights up in a branch with a pair of binoculars and a flash light, hoping to catch a glimpse of Del through his bedroom window, struggling for air.

It didn’t work!  The birds can have their stupid nest back.   Del isn’t going to be asphyxiating anytime soon, how was he still breathing??

Then it hit me, OXYGEN JARS!  I tried to rescue my plan by buying the whole lot, but it’s hard when your poor and your ex-husband won’t give you any money.

However, I am a very resourceful woman and my new plan is far more likely to succeed. While Del complained about his amusing situation, I had to stifle the urge to giggle as I played with his key in my back pocket.

I told him that he better find it soon because Nook hates bums. Del says it’s not fair, “we homeless should get special treatment” he stammered.  I agree, a mass culling is definitely the way to go.

Del has been sprinting around town in a panic, desperately searching for his lost key, Nook refused to give him the master key and told him a replacement will cost 500,000 Bells, or 200,000 Bells plus any children as collateral.

I asked him if perhaps he could stay with a friend.  Del scowled at me saying “SOMEONE drove all my friends away!”. Who could that be, I thought. Portia probably.

Del went off to find a ‘Cornflakes box’ to sleep in while I thought about what to do with the key. Eventually I decided to place it underneath his door and push it as far back as I could with a stick.

It can open his house, his front door, but not his heart, where his love for me still resides!

I’ve been really good lately, eating all my greens, making sure there’s not a drop of juice left in the carton before I put it out in the trash…I know Del’s hungry but he shouldn’t get food for free, that’s wrong!

Why can’t Del leave me alone and go smoke his weed and take his wife to the psychiatrist. Getting a gang together and strutting around town causing mischief isn’t going to win me back.

Sure my methods are questionable but their lives were miserable long before I did anything.  I was only trying to cure them, with laughter…like Patch Adams!

 

~end~