Episode #1 – Hamster Town
Disclaimer: If you consider Dharma and Greg to be good comedy or think that humour based on pain and suffering is abhorrent, then please leave now.
Animal Crossing Nightmares isn’t for you. Although ‘Hamster Town’ may look like an idyllic place to live where love and kindness are as plentiful as the fruit on the trees, it isn’t, it really, really isn’t.
This is ‘Hamster Town’.
Imagine if the Garden of Eden was run by corporate America and staffed by reject mascots from Disney World and you’ll have a pretty good idea of the kind of place we’re talking about. Nobody who lives here was born here. Chances are you were brought to this ‘Paradise’ by this man/thing…
A piss-stained bus conductor with a glandular problem, whose primary joy in life is to ‘buy’ up little girls like they were packets of crisps.
Before I found out the truth about this place (see: http://lparchive.org/Animal-Crossing/) I was truly a model citizen.
I caught fish, nabbed bugs, planted flowers, willingly accepted another mortgage on a property that I hadn’t asked for and endured woeful letters from my fellow citizens that never referred to anything i’d written them.
Whereas Billy and others like him wanted to escape, I just wanted to have some fun, to get up to a little mischief. I’m not motivated by ideas of revenge and justice, I’m just a bitter old dinosaur who is physically repulsed by things like the ordination of women (in-joke – ten points if you got it) and find indescribable joy in the misery of others. Life is a balance after all =)
This is my happy place, it’s grey, damp, cold and a great place to invite my friends over for a ‘pretend’ game of ‘Kidknap Victim’.
Sometimes I forget it’s just a game and for that I apologise…Bella…but most of the time, I like to keep them around because of my awful, awful loneliness, plus the screams help me to sleep…again, sorry Bella.
On second thoughts, perhaps Bella is the one who should say sorry. After all, if anyone knows how much of a b*tch insomnia is, it would be her. She keeps complaining that she can’t sleep because someone keeps sneaking into her house at night to re-arrange all her stuff so she can’t find it.
I estimate that Bella’s dental hygiene is pretty f*cked by now, so her boyfriend better dump her by next week because i’m running out of places to hide that toothbrush!
Puddles tells me she is Nook’s eyes and ears in ‘Hamster Town’, at least until his mind control pills arrive in the mail. Apparently Nook is a massive technophobe, something about his Dad and a mail order bride with noisy joints and no pulse.
My eyes start twitching in panic as Puddles does a good impression of what the Patriot Act would be like as a person. I wonder if she knows about the villagers in my basement, the toothbrush in her mailbox or the awful thing that’s going to happen to her next week.
The last person who fell foul of one of Nook’s numerous and contradictory laws was a young villager named ‘Shelley’. Nook never said so directly but from the look of the specials board at ‘Nook Burger’ the following day, I think it’s clear what happened to her.
Caroline burst into tears when she saw it but I ‘enjoyed’ Shelley much more in death than I ever did when she was alive…and after I swapped over our lunches, I am sure Caroline did too. =)
The only escape offered to residents of ‘Hamster Town’ is the ‘City’. It’s offensively small. I’ve seen bigger cities in snowglobes…and they we’re prettier, and they had a weather system…and, AND they didn’t have a vicious pack of Hydras lurking in the fountain, should you attempt to escape by scrambling up the side of ‘Gracie Grace’. They sure can draw a crowd though. Hell, shopping isn’t even my primary reason for going to the City anymore.
Being extremely xenophobic, I find City folk to be far less bearable than the animals in the Town. Above is Phineas the Creationist. He/it believes that God made Balloons so that the good Christians among us could leave this cruel world early and ascend to heaven. Nook’s militia have dealt with the ‘Cult of Phineas’ before. 30 members have been arrested in the last month alone, their balloons popped in an orgy of violence in the town square.
A couple of days later, upon returning home from the
Colosseum City, I was alarmed to discover that the ‘Happy Room Academy’ had paid me a visit. Front door kicked in, cupboards emptied on to the floor…the works. The Patriot Act can’t extend to all the way out here can it?
Then I realised I had no idea where ‘here’ was and so I asked Nook if I could purchase a map. His eyes grew huge and scared like a 4 year old at a ramshackle medical practice. He screeched the word ‘Map’ over and over again whilst attacking me with his pricing gun until I fled in confusion.
Later that same night, Bella told me that Puddles had been arrested for theft and that the stolen property had to be destroyed because of mould. Her royal Mouse’iness yacked on and on about her toothbrush, said she felt like giving up on ever finding it. I told her to keep looking, that it was sure to turn up somewhere.
Although Puddles has been framed and Bella can now cause others to vomit when she smiles, I must not forget the other joys in life, such as teaching. Teaching is very rewarding, as Caroline here demonstrates after completing my advanced course in Alternative History. She’s a very promising student. =)