Episode #3 – Insanity

Recently ‘Hamster Town’ has become a cesspool of theft, cannibalism, disease and Fox News style paranoia.  It really is starting to become the sort of place I would be proud to call home.

Much to my delight, things were about to get even worse.

Supreme Overlord Nook made an expensive reverse charges call to my house to shoot the shit about his ‘Master Plan’ for dealing with the Herpes outbreak, which sounded like 99% of the scenes from ‘The Passion of the Christ’ only with Dizzy playing the role of ‘meat pinata’ instead of Jesus.

We both got over-excited at the end and shared a little ‘phone-gasm’ together.  What’s a little pleasure between a tyrant and his captive after all, right?

Nook said there was a special festival taking place at the Town Hall this evening.  I feel a bit Dizzy (no pun intended) due to the blood loss but i’ve got some blood bags and a straw in the fridge so I think i’ll be okay.

When I arrived at Town Hall, the festival was already in full swing, everyone was invited except Dizzy, even though he is the ‘main attraction’.  I got stuck talking to Puppet Mayor Tortimer, listening to his complaints about the giant countdown timer Nook had him build all by himself, yak-yak-yak, something about a slipped disk, no medical insurance and being paid in ‘the satisfaction of a job well done’ and…..


hold it, what the f*ck is that thing on the left


It looks like the wretched offspring of Doctor Zoidberg and Birdo!  Why’s it so bloody angry looking? Did they keep it strapped to a chair in the attic before selling it to the circus?  I sure hope so…that’s good parenting if you ask me.


so ugly…urgh.

With 9 minutes left on the clock, impatience got the better of me and

Someone did a bad thing….

…i’d be lying if I said Dizzy died humanely.

but then again, it wasn’t like reluctantly taking old Yella out into the backyard to play catch with a bullet.  By now poor Dizzy was less a person and more  a fish finger that’s been hollowed out and had bits of dog shit poked in. He’s a shell, nothing more than herpes dressed in an elephant costume.

By the time I was aware of what I was doing, it was over, the colourful red confetti filled the air and I broke down crying or laughing, I can’t remember which. I wiped my nose with Dizzy’s bedclothes and started to feel really guilty about what someone else had done. Thankfully duct tape solves everything and soon Dizzy was right as rain, fast asleep in his bed, sporting a trendy new black collar.

I skipped over to Rowans in good spirits, knowing that at least Dizzy died humanely.

Rowan sure says a lot of strange things:

‘Why are you climbing in through my window?’
‘Why are you using my sink?’
‘What’s that red substance you’re washing off your hands?’
‘No I don’t want any jam!’
‘Why did you start washing it down the sink before you asked me if I wanted some?’

I came clean and told him i’d just discovered Dizzy’s corpse, but Rowan seemed to think it was a bad idea to call the cops when you’ve happened upon murder!  Shit, I feel like i’m in an episode of Dexter and Rowan also has a ‘dark passenger’

Caroline and the others seemed to think that Dizzy was just asleep, “of course he is” I said “Elephants sleep for years at a time, some of them never wake up cause their dreams are too fluffy”.

Note the way Caroline says that it makes her KIND of sad, like she doesn’t really care one way or the other, “that’s exactly how i feel” I screeched and then the guilt slowly faded away like Dizzy’s memories.

Bella, the progenitor of a second ‘Black Plague’ should she ever be allowed to breed, told me that she had entered a beauty pageant.  At least I assumed it was a beauty pageant and not some genital odour competition, like the ones war women partook in out of boredom and low soap rations.

The lazy vermin wanted me to pick an outfit for her to wear to the show, but when I gave her Dizzy’s blood soaked poncho she started crying for some reason.  Later, I convinced her to wear it out of respect for Dizzy’s passing.  Everyone grieves in their own way I guess.

Dizzy’s carcass perfume is starting to stink up ‘Hamster Town’ like a ‘rat sick buffet’ and however much I keep telling them it’s home cooking, the townsfolk aren’t buying it.

You’d think Puddles of all people would be used to foul and unpleasant smells, considering how she got her name but even I have to admit it’s getting pretty gross.  It’s only a matter of time now before the fumigators are sent in and the horrible truth is uncovered.

As expected, Nook launched a murder investigation and the main suspects were named and shamed on the Town Notice Board.  Stupid, cheap duct tape, this is all your fault!

Awww, would you look at that, somebody crossed my name out at the bottom and wrote ‘Portia’ instead, miraculously in my own handwriting.  Just who is this secret admirer of mine =)

Some crazy auditor from Nook Corp said a burial would cost too much, so everything in Dizzy’s house was dumped at sea.

…I’ll give you two guesses where the corpse went.  (answers in the comments section please)

A raffle was held to determine the next occupant of the house and Bella won!  It’s just so fitting, she really loved Dizzy, she wears his Poncho all the time!

With Bella due to move in the following day, I wanted to get the house nice and sparkly for her. I wanted to create a design that captured the old Dizzy that we all knew but didn’t love.

When Bella walked in with all her luggage and saw my design, she froze and went dead silent. I laughed and said “it just SCREAMS Dizzy…don’t you think?”

but she didn’t laugh, why didn’t she laugh?

Sunday was the ‘Flea Market’, where everyone visits their neighbours, hoping to find a good bargain or to sell off a few unwanted pieces of furniture. since nobody can talk to Bella without her succumbing to fits of screaming she kept popping over to my place.

She didn’t make any effort to buy anything so I got up to leave. She made a terrible fuss about returning home, muttering something about Dizzy’s ghost and being haunted. “Some People haven’t got roommates and have to live alone” I said, at which point she fainted.

…*tut* “SELF, SELF, SELF.” I yelled, but she didn’t hear me.

I thought about putting her into the recovery position just in case, but then thought better of it and left her alone.

Here’s a shot of Bella’s reaction to the news that she might have to return to her new home.  The speed at which the colour drained from her face was quite spectacular.  I actually think this photo has artistic merit, which is why i’m thinking of submitting it to the museum.

Without Bella’s permission of course.

‘Why see a counseller when you can go bat-shit crazy’ seems to be Bella’s philosophy.  When she’s not ripping out bits of her hair and stuffing them in her mailbox she’s waxing about enemas or extolling the virtues of a cocoa only diet.

I’m sorry Bella, but there isn’t a sugar high big enough to get you over madness mountain.  A mountain I didn’t think could get any taller

….until this happened…



ummm…..honestly, I got nothing…

After the fallout from Bella’s anti-semitic propaganda, Nook had her house converted into a padded cell and placed ‘Booker and Cooper’ on 24 hour guard.

I was the first to be allowed in to see her, I tried a softy soft approach but she kept her back to me and didn’t really say anything. It was such a shame considering i was dressed in the very same wallpaper she loved and adored.


Padded walls get boring after awhile so I left Bella to it and went shopping, visited a few people, went fishing…you know, all the stuff that the people who don’t live in padded cells get to do. =)

I love you freedom.

~ End ~


Posted on August 16, 2011, in Episodes. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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