#2 Quarantine

‘Hamster Town’ – if the complete isolation from the outside world doesn’t get you then the endless cutesy music blaring from the loudspeakers will. If the crippling mortgage doesn’t get you then eating mostly fruit and raw fish will.

…seriously, the cooker delivered to my house was made entirely out of plastic, naturally, the slave labourer who built it was inside! There’s no funeral service in Hamster sooo…..


…HEY! come on, it’s the taste that counts right???

Yes, i’m afraid that even with the mountains of Porn on sale, it’s the sheer boredom of living here that will get you in the end.  They are all the same anyway, mainly somebody breathing heavily in a bush, a couple of shots of a nude figure from the back and then the curtains get closed.

Occasionally the intruder, Tom Nook Director will be in the room as Bella, Portia, Caroline the Actress and there’ll be some crying etc, but we’re all really sick and tired of them by now, especially Portia.

No, what a boring town like this one needs is a scandal!…like something that happens when the numbers on all the tickets  at a town raffle have been replaced with the words…

No, it’s not what happens when you’ve been f*cked silly by Paris Hilton in a Tornado.  It’s an early April Fools joke I played on ‘Dizzy’ back in February that went horribly, horribly wrong, or right, depending on who you talk to.

Some folk, such as Eunice here, make no attempt to hide their dislike of Dizzy.  Although, frankly, I secretly harbour doubts about Eunice; the way she says ‘Lambchop’ at the end of every sentence is eerie.

It’s like she’s a cannibal or something, which would explain why there are no others like her in the town.

There is one other explanation…


Okay, okay….

I know it seems like i’m being really harsh on Dizzy here, but you don’t understand.  April 1st isn’t just about pulling pranks on your friends, like the time I emptied out the powder in Puddles Asthma Inhaler and replaced it with sherbert, April 1st is also


‘Dizzy Day’is the day when Dizzy goes into ‘heat’.  For a whole 24hrs Dizzy becomes the most eager prostitute the world has ever seen.  Like some sick hybrid of Kim Cattrall in ‘Sex In The City’ and Dumbo hitting puberty, he shuffles around the town, panting heavily, pushing his ‘Secondary Elephant Hose’ up against our windows and crippling the tourist industry.


Urgh…it’s because of shit like this that I started the ‘Herpes’ rumour in the first place.  I don’t even know what Herpes is, when Nook asked me for a list of symptoms, I made some up that sounded vaguely plausible.  E.g –  ‘Sudden onset of multiple personality disorder, menopause, poverty, gigantism, liquid spine unpleasantness, fear of fruit’.

Fearing that there may be nobody left by morning to exploit for financial gain, Nook didn’t even wait until morning before putting ‘Operation Quarantine’ into action…


During the night, General Nook (as he’s now calling himself) ordered me to put up Warning Displays around Dizzy’s house. The red circles signify ‘No entry’ whilst the screaming white face set against a grey background is an artist’s description of Dizzy’s present condition.

General Nook also had me and Miranda dig ditches right the way round the house enclosure to make sure that Dizzy stays put.  Funds for an Electric Fence are being raised through the sale of ‘White Shit Catchers’ or Nappies, as Nook calls them, which have proven very popular amongst the locals, sales of shovels and Febreze however, have since declined.


A few days passed with little incident, sure Dizzy scrawled ‘S.O.S’ on the inside of his window but the guys in Hazmat suits cleared that up right away.  Still, General Nook needed someone to volunteer to be a ‘Sex Soldier‘ and sleep with Dizzy to confirm the Herpes threat was still present and so we all drew lots.

Miranda drew the shortest straw and the fearful mob carted her off to ‘Dizzy’s Bordello’ to be sacrificed in the name of public safety.  Technically, Miranda didn’t even have a straw, there weren’t enough to go round because I took two of them, one of which I ate.

3 minutes after entering the house, Miranda broke free and made repeated attempts to leap the Security Ditches forcing the townsfolk to take turns batting her away with our nets.


Miranda at last gave up trying to leap the Security Ditch. She tried to appear all high and mighty by saying that we’re all ignoring her now cause she might have herpes, I won’t lie, it’s true.

Still, every time she looks at me across the barricade I have to pull out my mirror and look down my pants to make sure i’m still clean.  



                                                                     ~End~


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